


Ako Muna

by StuffandFluff



Series: In Perfect Time [3]
Category: Figure Skating RPF, Real Person Fiction, Sports RPF
Genre: F/M, Post-Break Up, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 08:11:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14613702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StuffandFluff/pseuds/StuffandFluff
Summary: Sometimes, it seems that love is not the answerEven if being alone makes me boredWhat will I do in finding someoneIf I'm not even happy with myself





	Ako Muna

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stormcallsthestorm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stormcallsthestorm/gifts).



> Ako muna is a Filipino phrase that can be translated as me first or I'll prioritize myself. This is also the title of the song of another Filipina singer/songwriter that I like, Yeng Constantino.
> 
> Also, I just want to acknowledge my hardworking ate (big sister). This is for you!

**Minsan, parang di pag-ibig ang sagot** **  
** **Kahit na sa pag-iisa ay nababagot** **  
** **Aanhin ko ang paghahanap ng magmamahal** **  
** **Kung sa sarili ko ay 'di pa masaya**

**_(Sometimes, it seems that love is not the answer_ **

**_Even if being alone makes me bored_ **

**_What will I do in finding someone_ **

**_If I'm not even happy with myself)_ **

  
  


_When I realized that I'm already far away I slowed down but continued walking to my house. I am alone. Again. I have this tendency of pushing those whom I love away. Being alone is not good. It's scary. But once you got someone with you, the fear of experiencing the pain once again if you lose them becomes more powerful. Maybe the problem is not them. The problem is me._

  
  


**Mabuti nang mag-isa** **  
** **Nang makilala ko muna ang sarili** **  
** **Pag-ibig muna para sa akin** **  
** **Mabuti nang mag-isa** **  
** **Nang 'di ko sa iba lungkot sinisisi** **  
** **Kailangan ko lang** **  
** **Ako muna** **  
** ******_(It's better to be alone_**

**_So that I may know myself first_ **

**_Love first for me_ **

**_It's better to be alone_ **

**_So that I won't blame others for my loneliness_ **

**_All I need is_ **

**_Me first)_ **

  
  


_Finally, I'm home. As my eyes looked around it has finally sunk in to me. I am all alone. In a foreign country. I haven't realized it earlier since I'm occupied with the practices but now as I gazed at the whole place, it finally hit me hard. This is so different to my home in Russia. I have no one with me. There's only picture frames of my mother and grandmother looking back at me. But, maybe I can learn about myself more during this time. Stop, Zhenya! You should stop this craziness in your head. Maybe I should plan what  I will eat for dinner. I'm not in the mood to cook. I'll just call for delivery. I checked my wallet and a picture fell out from it. It's a picture of me and my father back when I was just 4 years old. Though what he did is really painful, I still keep this picture with me hoping that he'll come back. But he never did. I called out to him earlier yet he didn't come out. As tears fell from my eyes to the photo in my hand, I told myself that this is the last time that I'll cry for him or anyone else. I swear that I'll make it out alone. This time, I'll put myself first._

  
  


**Minsan, alam kong lungkot ay kakatok** **  
** **Ngunit kailangan kong tatagan ang loob** **  
** **Aanhin ko ang pagbibigay ng pagmamahal** **  
** **Kung ang sarili ko'y mapapabayaan**

**_(Sometimes, I know that loneliness will knock_ **

**_But I need to make my faith stronger_ **

**_What will I do in giving love_ **

**_If I'll take myself for granted)_ ** **  
  
**

  


_A knock on the door signaled that my delivery is now here. After I paid for it, I made my way to the kitchen to eat. If I am back in Russia this would never happen. Either my mom or my grandmother will cook a delicious meal for us. Sometimes, if I have time I also cook for them. But here I am halfway across the world, eating a delivered pizza alone. Why am I crying again? When I went here I know that this will happen. And I accepted it. And most importantly, they supported me for it. I should focus on myself. Just myself._

  
  


**Mabuti nang mag-isa** **  
** **Nang makilala ko muna ang sarili** **  
** **Pag-ibig muna para sa akin** **  
** **Mabuti nang mag-isa** **  
** **Nang 'di ko sa iba lungkot sinisisi** **  
** **Kailangan ko lang** **  
** ******_(It's better to be alone_**

**_So that I may know myself first_ **

**_Love first for me_ **

**_It's better to be alone_ **

**_So that I won't blame others for my loneliness_ **

**_All I need is)_ **

  
  


_I never changed my phone’s wallpaper even if we're not together anymore. His ever smiling face gives so much calm and comfort in my heart. This photo is a favorite of mine. He hugged me from behind and he made the ever-sleepy Shoma take our picture. Turned out that he's not good in taking one. At least Javi is there to the rescue. It is really precious to me. This photo makes me see how we could have been. God knows how much I miss him. We might be in the same club together, same practice sessions, same ice rink, same off-ice exercises, but I feel like we are very far from each other. Mostly because of myself. But this ought to be done. It will be the best for us. If we are for each other, in perfect time, we will be together._

  
  


**Paano ko magmamahal** **  
** **Kung 'di ko kayang mahalin ako** **  
** **Ngayon, bukas, mapapagod din lang…**

**_(How will I love_ **

**_If I can't love myself_ **

**_Now, tomorrow, just gonna be tired…)_ **

  
  


_As I lay down my bed, I thought of the decisions I made. It's only right to let him go. How can I love him if I couldn't love myself, when I can't accept my shortcomings and my past. How will I give him happiness when I don't know happiness at all. He'll just get tired of reassuring me. He will just give up in the end._

  
  


**Mabuti nang mag-isa** **  
** **Nang makilala ko muna ang sarili** **  
** **Pag-ibig muna para sa akin** **  
** **Mabuti pang mag-isa** **  
** **Nang 'di ko sa iba lungkot sinisisi** **  
** **Kailangan ko lang** **  
** **Ako muna**

 **Ako muna** **  
** **_(It's better to be alone_ **

**_So that I may know myself first_ **

**_Love first for me_ **

**_It's really better to be alone_ **

**_So that I won't blame others for my loneliness_ **

**_All I need is_ **

**_Me first_ **

**_Me first)_ **

  
  


\------------------------------------------------------

_Determined steps coming from a hopeful heart made its way closer to her door. Once he knocked, everything changed._

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
